How to help your partner be a more involved parent with Jason Kreidman
Do you feel like you’re doing just about everything when it comes to parenting? Maybe your partner or spouse wants to be involved in the daily parenting tasks but it’s hard to let them take over. I get it! In this episode, Jason Kreidman, founder of DadUniversity.com, is sharing his tips on getting your kids’ dad more involved in the parenting journey.
You can’t force someone to want to help out but you can use Jason’s tips to encourage your partner and possibly get yourself out of the way!
Thanks for listening! Head over to the Parenting with Love and Authority facebook group to continue this important conversation. Thanks for listening!
“You can’t force somebody to want to be more involved, but you can do things which can impact their thought process. You can do things that are going to be beneficial for them. And so when you start to realize some of those things that you can do, you know, it’s the appreciation, the attention, it’s setting those one-on-one times. You can do those things without just sort of, there’s like that indirect effect.“
Jason Kreidman, founder of Dad University, is a dynamic speaker on the topic of fatherhood. Jason offers his own experiences and stories, armed with a witty sense of humor, to address your audience’s questions, fears, and excitement concerning fathering.
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Intro: 00:00 Welcome to the Raiseology podcast with your host, pediatrician and parenting consultant, Sharon Somekh here to empower parents to raise resilient and independent children. Grab your coffee or your Margarita and let’s get started. This podcast is for informational purposes only and should be used to supplement rather than substitute the care provided by your physician.
Sharon: 00:25 News flash overwhelmed moms, most of us feel stuck when it comes to parenting effectively, mostly because we second guessed our parenting decisions, we feel guilty when we’re too firm, we lose our patients and yell when things aren’t going how we planned. Bottom line, parenting without direction feels like a bumpy roller coaster you don’t want to be on but can’t seem to get off of, but it doesn’t have to be this way. Here’s the good news. I’ve been working behind the scenes to gather a community of amazing, overwhelmed moms from all across the globe who are getting together to support each other, feel more secure in their motherhood, enjoy their children more, and start building strong lasting relationships with their families. We don’t complain. We don’t moan. We take action. Simply join this free Facebook community at Raiseology.com/community or search in Facebook for the group called parenting with love and authority. I’m excited to meet you there.
Sharon: 01:25 Welcome everyone to the Raiseology podcast, I have with me today Jason Kreidman. He’s the founder of Daddy University, an educational company dedicated to helping dads learn what they’re not taught in school. Through his weekly YouTube videos, podcasts and social media he offers advice on parenting, relationships and self-improvement for dads. And I’m really excited to have you here today Jason. How are you doing today?
Jason: 01:49 Doing good. It’s not too early here. I’m in California, so I’m awake now.
Sharon: 01:54 Yeah, haha, my days half over. Yeah, exactly. But I would love for you to tell us a little bit more about yourself, about Dad university, about sort of how you even thought to start it. And then I’m really excited to get into our topic today, which is how, you know, we can help our, our kids’ dads be more involved in the parenting journey and just be more involved fathers and helpful at home, which would be awesome, right?
Jason: 02:25 Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. So it’s good to be here. And thank you for having this conversation. I started, I have a nine year old daughter and 11 year old son and married and so my wife and I when we had our second child. Yeah. So my first child about two years old and I was really stressed out. I, I had felt like, you know, all kinds of things were happening. I had a mother who was ill, I had financial issues happening. I was stressed because I now have this new baby. We now have two kids, you know, it’s all of those exciting life things that were happening all at once. And I felt myself getting upset a lot. I was angry. I was probably yelling more than I should have. And I just felt like there had to be something different and so I started a meetup group. That’s actually how it started. I started a local meetup group. I’m in San Diego, California. And I just said, you know what? There’s gotta be other dads who are going through the same thing. My peers and my friends, I really, we didn’t talk much. It’s not like we had conversations too much, I mean they had kids but so I felt like I had to reach out a little bit more and get other dads who are interested in this kind of topic.
Sharon: 03:40 Did any of your friends at the time actually come to your meetup group? It’s interesting cause I think meetups are really popular where you are and I’m sure that like in the city in New York there are more meetups. But I find here where I am on long island, it’s much less common. Although you’re starting to hear more about it. But did any of your friends show up at your meetup groups
Jason: 04:02 So for the longest time one family friend, uh, really got a lot out of it and was there in the beginning. Well I put notices out to like my friends and other people, like even business associates are, nobody came and you know, for a long time there may have been two, three, four guys sitting there and I just kept it up. I kept it up and then eventually we were having a dozen guys coming. You know, and, and so I just kind of, I didn’t really heavily market it that way. I didn’t see oh you got to come. This is so great. I would maybe tell somebody about it and then you could immediately say what you could see whether they were receptive or not. You know, I, I wasn’t going to try to convince someone that they needed to talk about their issues, you know, that that was kind of up to them.
Jason: 04:46 So I did that for a couple of years and you know, it was enjoying it. And then a, uh, a business associate of mine who had done a podcast and you know what you might want to expand this in the, maybe do a podcast. This is a real interesting topic and you seem like you’re really into this. And so go back also for the meetup group, I had been taking parenting classes and got a certification in teaching parenting classes and was, so I was, I was starting to get really interested in the parenting topic as a coach or to kind of help other people and just for myself. And so through that whole process, that’s where I then was like, you know, maybe I should do a podcast and know that’d be kind of fun and really just like cathartic for me. Maybe I can talk about some of these topics with him.
Jason: 05:32 Um, at the time it was called Dudes to Dads. So, you know, the idea was he was the dude, I was the dad and we would talk about these various topics that becoming a father. And so that work, and we started doing that weekly and then about two years ago, I kind of, you know, turned it up a little bit more because I just felt like there was more to do, started doing videos and that’s probably where it started taking off. Oh, you know, in much more, um, I should say much quicker. Started getting much more interest, much more followers, you know, and now it’s word of the point where brands are starting to talk to us and do things. And actually, I don’t sell anything. I’m putting out information that I’ve learned and that I can help people with or that I am interested in and see what resonates with people and that it’s just, it’s been really rewarding to do that.
Jason: 06:24 And so by my trade, as an internet marketer, I’ve been doing that for 20 years as a consultant and helping people and this is a whole new world and it’s been really fun for me. Certainly some of it has. It’s been a lot of work. I stay late sometimes and record or you don’t do things and so there’s some sacrifice, but my wife and kids are really supportive of it. They love it and so it went, I think maybe from a passion project to now being something that is actually really resonating with people and I’m enjoying that. I’m enjoying the results of it. In fact, I just, you know, I got a comment this morning on Youtube, I’m getting a lot of youtube comments and a guy just said, you know, I just had my baby. I’m going to watch every single one of your videos. This is so helpful.
Jason: 07:08 You know, they’re watching in the delivery room. They are. Um, it’s just, it’s great. And I can see why there’s sort of an addiction to that. That’s awesome. Yeah, the feedback if you will. There’s, there’s a lot of feedback in this business, so that’s great.
Sharon: 07:20 So that’s really great. Awesome. So I do want to start talking a little bit about our topic for the day. So, you know, I guess the first thing I would say it’s like, let’s talk about why we’re even think this is an important topic to talk about, right? So why are we going to talk about how to help the moms listening to this podcast, because I think by and large, that’s who listens to this podcast. Right? Or, you know, you could flip it if there’s, there are some stay at home dads or dads that are the primary caregiver, you could easily sort of flip this content and think about how to get your partner more involved. But why is that even important?
Jason: 08:04 Well, I can go back to when first taking parenting classes. I was the only man in there. And then what I was going to be a teacher and getting certified, I was the only guy there. Traditionally that has been the case. It’s been, it’s just very female dominated, you know, I think the narrative is changing a bit, which is great. There’s certainly the younger generation seems to be more involved. Every time I feel like there is great progress, I get some comments of somebody who still living back in the 50s but by and large it feels like, you know, there is a shift and but at the same time there is still so much more to be shifted and you know, this idea that as a father, you know is the breadwinner only and the mom takes care of the kids and it’s just, it’s not realistic anymore. And I don’t think the children benefit by not having that. They really benefit by the father being there and being involved
Jason: 09:06 And quite frankly it benefits you as the individual. I mean that’s for me the transformation over the last couple of years. I came from a great background. I had great parents. What I would consider grandparents. I’m close with my siblings. I, so I had a very, um, you know, stable and normal childhood and not a lot of people do. And so I certainly come from maybe a different context than a lot of people do. And so it’s like, how can I help? How can I help other people if they don’t have that same context? How can I make the information that I am trying to provide digestible? Because a lot of men, just like I said about my friends not wanting to come to the meetup, they just don’t care. They, it’s not that they don’t care about their kids, they love their kids, but they don’t necessarily care about improving the process or reducing their stress level or I guess that’s what it is. It maybe that the effort is not there. And so that’s been part of the struggle is getting it, is reaching those people who are not seeking it out but need it.
Sharon: 10:15 Yeah. Do you think they don’t care or do you think they’re not aware of their need for it? You know, I think, yeah, I talked to a lot of parents and mostly moms that you know, on one hand they reach out to me because they recognize that something needs to change. Right. On the other hand, they are living in this phase where they’ve almost like convinced themselves that the struggle they’re experiencing is normal. Right. And they, and it’s, it’s not that they don’t care, they do care. Right. But they are in some ways afraid of the effort it takes to make those changes.
Jason: 11:05 Well, I think also men are very late to recognize a problem. Yeah. I mean you may know this with, you know, with couples, the man will be like, well, until she’s walking out the door or kicks me out or she says she wants to file a divorce, why would I, why do I have to make the effort to do that? It’s like I’m not going to go to the dentist until I have like my mouth is hurting. Like why would I go on an every six months like you’re supposed to, right. I think men have a tendency more to do that. And as it relates to their children until there is a problem which happens way later and it’s already, you know, the seven years that you’ve invested in your child. Then they say, wow, I don’t understand why my son or my daughter is getting in trouble at school for bullying other children. Or I can’t believe they’re having a whole bunch of problems. You know, being attentive or, and that kind of situation. I think it’s just, it’s kind of being oblivious to some of the issues that could potentially have.
Jason: 12:07 Now at the same time we could go and say, well, maybe moms worry too much. You know, it can be on both ends of the extreme where, well, if he’s going to grow up to be x, y, and z, I so I have to curb this now. You know?
Sharon: 12:20 I will agree with that. I think that men are, the fathers are later to recognize that there’s a problem. And I think that’s a big challenge I have right, is that I speak to a lot of moms who really want to make changes and invest in themselves, and then they speak to their spouses, or sometimes I’m speaking to both of them on the phone and they don’t see the value because they think things are just going to improve magically on their own, right. Until it’s, I don’t want to say too late, cause I don’t think it’s ever like really too late, but until they’re at a point where they’re in crisis mode, right. And then the effort needed to make those changes and, and what needs to happen in order for real change to be made is so much different and, and more involved. Right. And damage has been done right. There’s been lost connection and it is harder to recover from that. Not that it’s not possible, but it is more challenging.
Jason: 13:20 And so I think that’s the Parker where man, if you can recognize that like this is, this is maintenance just like anything else. But it’s also gonna really help you. I mean, that’s where, well, that’s where I found like even selfishly how much I was just talking with my, with my daughter yesterday and just about how I’m so much more calm around them and granted, yeah, zero to five is much different anyways. You know, as, as now that they’re a little bit older, you know, things are calmer, there’s just different problems. But I have felt quite a difference in how I approach my parenting and how I deal with these issues that it has really helped me. I’ve benefited my business, has benefited my relationship. So that’s part of the motivation too. It’s like, wow, that’s is actually gonna make me feel better in addition to making my child, be better off. So yeah, that’s, that’s some of the things that…
Sharon: 14:18 I find that’s definitely true. You know, it’s, this journey for me has done the same, you know, uh, and really when I work with moms, I’m working with them. I mean, I find the parenting strategy to be secondary to the work that they’re really doing on themselves. Whereas I think that that’s setting such a beautiful example for their kids.
Jason: 14:36 I taught a lot of my videos. I’ll say, you know, I’ve done everything from, you know, here’s how you change a diaper to talking about empathy and you know, how to deal with grief or whatever. I try to dip in, you know, once in awhile, some of those personal development stuff. The men aren’t as receptive to it and those videos don’t necessarily do as well. I mean, men are very tactical. They want to know like, how do I do this? How do I do that? But that is, it’s about the whole picture. You know, when we start to realize that that’s what our life becomes really fruitful and just, it, it’s know I can get up every morning, feel good and have energy and all of these things. And part of that is just by doing a lot of work, it’s just, it takes work. Uh, but I’ve never been afraid of that. So that’s where, you know, that’s where it helps out.
Sharon: 15:30 Yeah. Awesome. So, you know, how can we get our partners more involved?
Jason: 15:35 Yeah. So the first thing I would say is attention. So now many women, when they first having a baby, they may say, well, the man, my husband or significant other is probably the last person I care about right now because I have this baby with me. And so for as men we feel probably third on a total whole, if you have a pet, we’re probably fourth, you know, and it can even be fifth if there’s some family members that you’re really close to. And so what happens is, is that the men have a tendency often to feel pull back or they won’t get as involved because they quite frankly just don’t feel very good about not getting that attention. And, and so, and it’s vice versa, I mean, I talked about all the time, you know, when a woman’s going through pregnancy, the first, you know, when they’re early parents, how much appreciation matters and even the little things you know of appreciating and having some gratitude about those little things, can go a really long way.
Jason: 16:32 As men, we respond really well to appreciation. Like, you know, when, when when my wife says something like, Gosh, I really appreciate that you did this, you better believe I’m going to do it again. But it’s like, you know, we’ll talk about maybe positive reinforcement. It feels so good to know that the person appreciates it. And it’s not that you want them to throw a huge party, put out balloons about that you did something. But that attention, which I’m talking about appreciation and attention, but it’s that attention is really important. And I feel like that could be, you know, that can be date nights. That could be simply just sitting on the couch and massaging somebody’s feet. I mean there’s so many different things where you could give someone an intention and knowing what for them helps, you know and what makes them feel good.
Jason: 17:21 So I think as a man feels like he has that attention in the beginning, he might do some of those things for her, but he’s going to realize that how much it’s benefiting him. So if she wants him to help it is giving him more attention, not getting upset with him because he’s not doing something, you know? So I think that’s a big one.
Sharon: 17:46 Yeah, it makes perfect sense to me. Right. Yeah.
Jason: 17:50 And then which kind of leads into that appreciation. So the, you know, the attention is one thing and then the appreciation that is those little things that just, you can appreciate those little things that makes a big difference also.
Sharon: 18:03 Yeah. Where he doesn’t feel like he needs to move mountains in order to feel noticed and because that’s not realistic to be doing all the time too. Right? Right.
Jason: 18:14 Yeah. Then another thing is the division of labor. So especially when you’re a new parent, I suggest writing it all down and so the way that that gets him more involved is he literally has tasks. Men, many men will respond that way if you know that you or your husband responds that way is literally like, nope, you’re bath time on Wednesday and Friday. You’re responsible for dinner on Tuesday, Thursday. Yeah. And literally writing out that kind of schedule. And for a young baby or so that it’s crucial to have a schedule anyways. But I think giving him those tasks will help him be more involved because most men, at least that I come in contact with. See, yeah, no I want to help. Like what should I do? And they don’t, but they just don’t really know what to do. And a woman will often say, well you should just know, like you should just know it’s the same, you know, you should just know how to help me and, or I don’t even want to have to ask, which is another thing.
Jason: 19:12 But we don’t know, most of the time we don’t know. And so if we can be told we’re very happy to do it. You know, I saw my parents for whatever it was, you know, 50 years didn’t realize it as much when my mom passed away, I realized how much my mom had just instinct directed my dad what to do all the time. Said here and these are the things I need you to do. Here’s the list, I mean, cause I was like, wow, my dad’s always involved and always doing these things. And then when she passed, he wasn’t like, if there was a huge shift and I realized it was like wow, she was actually the one who was saying, here, go do this. Here’s the list of things you need to do. Call the kids, you know, do whatever it was. And granted some people might look at that as like a robot.
Jason: 19:55 I think just for many men it’s, it’s just what it is. Like we, we need that. And so at the same time, time, one of the other tips, which a lot of, you know, some women feel good about, some don’t, is actually just asking for help. You know, I’ve talked to some women that say absolutely not. I’m not going to ask him. I feel like I should do it or I feel like I should be able to handle it because I’m a stay at home mom or whatever the justification they think it is. But that’s not the case. Like we all can ask for help and be okay with that.
Sharon: 20:26 Yeah. And we were, I actually was just having this discussion with a client an hour ago, not about asking even her husband to help, but even asking like her, the person who helps her with the kids to help, right. Because it was, there is this feeling, I speak to a lot of moms and some of them are working moms, some of them work part time and some of them are stay at home moms and there is this feeling of, you know, it’s my responsibility and I think that that leads to a lot of overwhelm and there is a lot of guilt around passing off some of that responsibility, especially for stay at home moms in in the sense of like, well I’m home, this is what I’m supposed to be doing, this is basically my job. How could I ask him to do that? And I think in some ways that’s actually selfish, right?
Sharon: 21:19 Because there is a lot of benefit to both parties if you ask for help. Right. I know my husband wants to feel like helping me and he wants to feel important and he may or may not always be able to do it. But you know, we definitely, I take on most of the stuff with the kids, most of the driving, most of all of that. But you know, one day a week he picks them up, you know, at an afterschool activity and you know, if he can’t do it, he feels incredibly guilty. Right. Even though I can help. But he really loves having that responsibility and it’s time for him to spend in the car with the kids. And so I instead of thinking of it like I’m giving up, like I’m, I’m asking him to do something maybe thinking about it as like how does he benefit from doing it, right.
Jason: 22:19 Yeah and I think the overall mentality is that we are a team if you are married or if you’re having a significant other is that you are a team and it is a 50/50 team and like know when you have a team, it’s like if somebody can’t do something or falls back, you know it’s like the military or sports team or whatever, you pull your other team member up. And so you know, sometimes there’s, there’s the good thing that people may be able to do that emotionally. Like when one person is really down, I know with my wife that absolutely happens when one of us is not doing as well the other one at absolutely like steps in and takes it up. It takes over that. But even as it relates to the task, it’s like, all right, how can we get this done? And it’s not like, well I’m doing this and you’re doing that.
Jason: 23:04 And it’s like you keep a score, you know, certainly if you feel like it’s not, even, then you have to discuss that, you know? And you have to be able to communicate that, that it’s like, listen, I just, I can’t make all of this, this, this, and this, you know, every day is it possible that you could help out and do x, y, and z, you know? And if she or he can’t, then they have to communicate that too. But you have to be able to, to communicate your needs and also in a way that’s not complaining. You know, that, that’s another thing that, um, regardless, you know, and I, I’m a former avid former complainer and realize I’m, um, I’m a recovering complainer, I should say.
Jason: 23:46 And have realized how bad that didn’t work. You know? And even with my kids, like complaining that the room is not clean, guess what? It doesn’t make them clean their room or want to clean their room. So when you, when you figure that out, you start to change your narrative, you start to change how you talk. You start to, because I, you know, for me, I’m by trade, like I said, I’m an optimizer, I optimize websites and optimize things. So for me it’s about efficiency and realizing how inefficient I was with my kids just woke me up, you know, to say, wow, like that’s not working. I wonder why I have to tell them a thousand times the same thing. Well, part of it’s just from being a kid, but the other is like, that doesn’t work. Like I’ve got to try a different approach. And so it’s the same with the spouse.
Jason: 24:39 If, if you nag, whine, complain, any of those things, it’s just not going to work. Nobody wants to help you when you are in that state versus maybe sometimes being vulnerable, maybe being just sincere. Maybe you know, those are states where you can actually make an impact, somebody who’s going to want to help you.
Sharon: 25:03 Yeah. And think about what you’re modeling for your kids in that state too.
Jason: 25:10 Absolutely. Yeah. And I know now you know how I speak with my kids. No, really doesn’t. Like when I talked to him and say, hey listen guys, you know, and I’ll have a sit down and say, listen, we’re having some difficulty. Okay getting to bed on time. What do we need to do here? Like what are the things that you know, versus you guys can’t go to bed on time every single night. It doesn’t, it doesn’t accomplish anything. So I think that that approach really does, you know, does have an impact. So those are, those are some things. Another big one, this is, and this is kind of funny on if you have awesome, you can relate to this, but there is more than just your way of doing that.
Sharon: 25:49 This is something that I sometimes feels challenged by. Haha.
Jason: 25:53 Well we all, if we were, if, if we have an issue with control that we’ll certainly do it. But yes. So what happens is we, and this happens with newborns and happens as we get a little bit older, but you know, it’s like put it like dressing the children when they’re really, really young and you know, the, maybe the husband dressed the child and then the wife comes out and just why did you put that shirt on? You know, or, you know, why did you feed them that, you know, or I tell you any of that kind of discussion, why do I want to do it again? If I’m not criticized, I’m not going to want to do it again. And so you, you really want to be mindful of how you criticize what somebody does and especially if they’re helping out.
Sharon: 26:30 For sure. I actually, I have this discussion a lot with parents around other people that are helping you with your kids, right? So like, if you want your mom to take your kids for the weekend, it’s not really exciting for her to do that if you’re leaving her with a list of very detailed instructions of how she needs to take care of your kids for the weekend. Right. And I almost go to the other extreme, like if I’m leaving my kids with my mom for the weekend, I’m like, here you go, have fun. And like, cause she might not hear from me the whole weekend, but you know, she doesn’t want to feel like, okay mom but how much TV did they watch and what did you guys do and did you feed them this into, he’s not going to want to watch my kids again. Right. So it’s the same idea and it’s hard for some people to really let go of those things. And I would say especially if it’s someone who it’s not just a weekend away. Right. But if it’s a more consistent thing, it’s a lot more challenging.
Jason: 27:46 Yeah. Yeah. With the letting the people, that’s interesting cause you know, I know that if I was going to watch somebody’s child, I will ask all those questions because like I, you know, being respectful of that, I am on the other end, I’m saying, so tell me what, what is the, what’s the rules? What’s the like, you know, and I totally get it. And my mother called me out on that when she was here, come with my son and she basically like, listen, what happens at grandma’s house stays at grandma’s. I kind of just then rolled with that, you know, and I allowed that to happen. And of course, you know, his memories are very positive. Oh well she got some extra candy, you know, or he got these other things. And so
Sharon: 28:26 Yeah, you can appreciate that even more now than most of us probably it is, you know, it’s a special thing. And certainly if I was babysitting somebody else’s children, I, it would help me to have some guidelines. But I also would feel sort of like if you’re trusting me with your child, I’m assuming that you trust that your child is going to be safe, your child’s going to have everything they need and your child will be relatively happy.
Jason: 28:54 Unless you’re paying for it though.
Sharon: 28:59 I’m sorry, I’m saying like as a favor, if a friend of mine is, is saying, Hey, can you watch my kids for the day? Right. I am going to assume that they’re doing that because they trust me enough two care for their kids at a certain level. Right. And if they’re giving me very specific instructions, I’m not going to be excited about doing it again because it will become less, it will feel more like a job than like something.
Jason: 29:37 Right. Then give me an hourly wage and I’ll watch your child the way you want it. Yeah, no, that totally makes sense. It’s something that we just need to be mindful of.
Sharon: 29:47 Well, it’s sort of like what I cringe when I hear fathers say that they are babysitting their children. Right? It’s not called babysitting when they are your own children.
Jason: 29:59 Right, right. It’s called fathering.
Sharon: 30:01 It’s just being with my kids. Right. And so, but it may be they feel like they’re babysitting because they’re being given a very specific task list and very specific instruction.
Jason: 30:15 Right. And if maybe if the wife does that, they should say, okay, well here’s my hourly rate. You know, and then maybe they’ll stop doing that. But yeah, for, for sure. So those are great, one or two more of the allowing him to have the one on one time. So what happens often, and especially if somebody is the primary caregiver or let’s say even say, you know, maybe the father works, you know, during the week and he’s not, he’s not home til late. And so they do things as a family on the weekends. It probably doesn’t give much time for him to have one-on-one time with the child. And that I think is, I mean, it’s important for many different aspects. The bonding, it’s important for the, the primary caregiver to get away and be able to do something that’s not, you know, related to the child.
Jason: 31:04 And I just think that that was, that’s really important. And so, like for me, I really, I remember coming home from work, I would always a lot of times do the bath time, you know? And like for me that was, that was great. And I really enjoyed that until my son started saying, mommy, mommy, mommy, where’s mommy? I want mommy to do my bath. And then I was like, oh, that’s great. That’s what I thought was our special moment. But she was spending more time with him. And so, but eventually that became our thing. And so I was able to do that more and then now as my children are older, I go camping. So I’m part of the, uh, the, the YMCAs here locally has, uh, the dads and daughters and the dads and sons. And so that’s been an amazing program for me.
Jason: 31:49 And then maybe I do see my kids during the week, but it’s a concentrated amount of time where from a Friday night to a Sunday morning, we are camping. No, we’re camping with other dads and other daughters. And so I get that one-on-one time. Otherwise we do a ton of family stuff together, but it’s my wife and us kids and we’re going places and doing things and you just don’t have the one-on-one time is so special and so different. And um, so my wife has started now taking them to concerts and so that’s her thing. And so, you know, some sort of of music that they share, they both like. And so she’s been doing that, you know, every couple months or so we’ll take them. It was funny cause I go camping all the time and of course my children, like my favorite time ever was the time I went to this concert.
Jason: 32:36 You know, I’m like, you know, so not that I’m, but I was like, oh great, you take them to a one concert. I’m camping all these weekends. You take them too, one concert and they have a better time. So, but we laughed about it, but it is creating those memories and that one on one time is just like nothing else. So I think the advice maybe for if it’s the mom trying to get him more involved is actually to look into something like that where it is a father, daughter, father, son type of activity. If it’s organized, great. If it’s not, then still find something that they can do together. Maybe it’s Sunday morning bike rides, you know, or a Saturday morning walk to the donut shop or, I mean it doesn’t matter. It’s just that they have something that is like a special time for him.
Sharon: 33:23 Yeah, my husband will take the kids rollerblading or do, he’s the one who bikes with them and does a lot of that fun stuff and they love it. It’s really valuable
Jason: 33:34 And the important part when you have, when you have multiple kids is to make sure it’s one on one.
Sharon: 33:40 Right. It is very hard. We have four kids, so is it is hard to find one on one time for each of them all the time. But we do as much as we can for each of us to have one on one time. Listen. I think we also have to be realistic about it and we look at our days, where can we realistically do this? So in our kids’ school schedules are a little staggered, makes it a little easier. You know,
Jason: 34:13 It’s not going to be easy,
Sharon: 34:14 But it’s not easy.
Jason: 34:18 You what works for you and what maybe maybe it isn’t it hour a month per child or an event per child. But imagine from the child’s point of view how amazing that is. You have four or three siblings and you get a chance to hang out with your dad by yourself. That’s pretty special. I mean I recall those times where, I mean I have two older sisters, I got to hang out with my dad by myself. I remember it still, I mean we went fishing, we would play this like track ball game and like I still remember those times and that’s something that obviously had quite an impact for me. You know where I was able to spend that one on one time. Yeah. We did tons of family vacations and we did a ton of family stuff. We were in sports as a family, but it just is not the same thing. And that’s where to get him more involved and I think is to set up those one on one times.
Sharon: 35:12 Yeah, it is. It is. It’s really important. Anything, it’s important for him and I think it’s important for the kids,
Jason: 35:19 Yeah. So I, I mean I think in general like the, you know, the overall theme is you can’t force somebody to want to want to want to be more involved, you know, but you can do things which can impact their thought process. You can do things that are going to be beneficial for them. And so when you start to realize some of those things that you can do, you know, it’s the appreciation, the attention. It’s setting those one on one time. You can do those things without just sort of, there’s like that indirect effect. And the indirect effect is that they’re going to spend more time with the child, they’re going to be more involved. Now if there’s resistance or they just don’t want it. Like you can’t force somebody to do it. But at the same time you kinda can, in some instances, I can recall there was a time where I got involved with a business and I was more like an employee than a consultant where I was there all the time and I was working late for, uh, a steady period of time.
Jason: 36:21 And my wife, my child, children were beyond and my wife just said, listen, I really want you to be home for dinner. Okay. And it really wasn’t an ask. I mean it was like, you need to do this, like this is for our family. And I could see how important it was for her and then kind of just woke up and was like, you know what, you’re right. Cause we had also established how important the dinners were for us. And I just kind of just let it get away because it did. And I’ve had to come back to that. And so I praise her for just calling me out on it. And you know, she did it, she did it nicely and respectfully, but it was like, listen, I really want you to be here for dinner. How, how can you adjust your schedule so that we can make that happen?
Jason: 36:59 Can you work from home afterwards? Can you, and so she, she understood like, I still had to do the work, but how could we make it work so that everybody benefits from it, you know? And I think that that’s a big takeaway as well, is communicate about it and figure it out. You know, ask him, Hey, I just think it would be great for our daughter to be able to do this. What would you say would be something that you’d be interested in doing or you know, how much time do you think you could allocate to them? You know, and you kind of put it in their court and I think that that’s a, that’s a nice way of putting it. Let them answer it.
Sharon: 37:33 Yeah, I think that’s great because you know, when you tell them to do something it might be a good idea, but when they come up with it themselves, it’s brilliant.
Jason: 37:42 Or my daughter the other day came up to me and said, Hey dad, after you work in school, talk, can you come out? And she wants, she wants to learn how to play volleyball. I was a volleyball player. I was like, my eyes like lit up. Cause I’ve tried to play with her before. I’ve tried, like me dragging her out there. And so she was like, yeah, why they want to hit the ball around? I’m like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean like I jumped at the opportunity. I made sure I was home. I, you know, and so, um, it’s just, it’s something, it’s like, yeah, just do you have to really value that time. And especially if it could come in, if it comes from the child, it’s even, it’s even more incredible that you, you, you want to make sure that happens.
Sharon: 38:25 Yeah. Well this has been really great. I think that the audience has a lot to think about.
Jason: 38:34 We welcome comments and feedback!
Sharon: 38:39 For sure. And I think that this is important for really like parents of any age children, which is what is so wonderful about it. So, Jason, I’m really, really appreciate that you came, that we were able to have this discussion. Um, can you just, um, tell us how the audience can listen and watch your videos and where they can find you?
Jason: 39:01 Yeah, so probably the, the big, the biggest place is, uh, is YouTube. So Youtube search Dad University, but my website, daduniversity.com has the links wherever that, you know, somebody has social, whatever their favorite social channel is, we’re on it. And so we, we, you know, we put out weekly videos, we put out a podcast, we put out information, um, for dads. And if moms like it, that’s great too. You know, we’d certainly welcome that. And then, you know, and any feedback that they have regarding this, they can obviously contact you or put some comments in and we’d love to hear that as well.
Sharon: 39:31 Yeah, sure. Awesome. Well, thanks again for being here and, um, I look forward to the feedback from the episode for sure. Sounds great. Take care. Thanks for listening to the Raiseology podcast. Head over to www.Raiseology.com where you’ll find plenty of, you’ve got this resources for parents and any links or tools mentioned in today’s show. Be sure to hit subscribe on your podcatcher so that you can listen to the next episode the minute it’s out, until next time, have an empowered week.
Meet Your Mentor
Sharon is a general pediatrician, loving wife and mother to 4 daughters.
After a decade of practicing general pediatrics and working with families, she realized there often wasn’t enough time while tending to children’s medical needs to help parents in the way that would be most helpful in shaping their children’s futures.
The Raiseology Program was developed to teach parents how to raise their children with the love and authority necessary to promote resilience and responsibility.
Sharon’s experience with hundreds of families as well as her own help her meet you where you are on your parenting journey to help you make it what you want it to be.
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