Episode 38:

Learning Compassion over Comparison with Laura Jack

Like so many traits we desire our kids to have, compassion, and maybe more importantly, self-compassion, need to first come from you. In this episode, Laura Jack, author of The Compassion Code, shares the massive importance of compassion and how we can start modeling this behavior for our children.

I learned so much and I know you will too! 

Continue this conversation over in the Raiseology Parenting Facebook group – I’ll talk to you there! Thank you for listening!

“What we really need to focus on is self-compassion which is relating kindly to ourselves because that’s not related to anybody else. It’s irrelevant what other people are doing. So if I’m proud of myself that doesn’t mean because I’m better than you, it’s because I’m proud of myself. It’s actually irrelevant to how you’re doing.”

TODAY’S GUEST:

Laura Jack

Author of #1 International Best-Seller, The Compassion Code, Laura Jack is a Mastery Level Transformational Life Coach, Speaker, and Trainer for the Grief Recovery Institute.

Subscribe and Listen on: Apple, Spotify, Stitcher, and Google

Links mentioned in today’s show:

  • Find Laura Jack’s book, The Compassion Code HERE
  • Check out Laura’s incredible masterclass HERE
  • The children’s book Laura mentioned, Be Who You Are by Todd Parr can be found HERE
  • Schedule a free 15 minute consultation with me HERE

Note: This post about creating a ritual may contain affiliate links, which means if you click one of our affiliate links and decide to make a purchase, we receive a tiny commission from the seller at no additional cost to you. We only share products and services we have used, tested, and love ourselves!
Click Here to Read the Full Transcript

Sharon: I’m super excited for this week’s episode of the Raiseology podcast. I interview Laura Jack and it’s probably one of my favorite interviews we’ve done so far on the show. I’m excited for you guys to listen to it and learn so much just as I did.

 

Welcome to the Raiseology podcast with your host pediatrician and parenting mentor Sharon Somekh, here to empower parents to raise resilient and independent children. Grab your coffee or your margarita and let’s get started. This podcast is for informational purposes only and should be used to supplement rather than substitute the care provided by your physician.

 

Welcome back everyone to the Raiseology podcast. I am here today with Laura Jack and Laura is the author of the number one international best seller, The Compassion Code. She is a mastery level transformational life coach speaker and trainer for the Grief Recovery Institute. Laura Jack teaches compassionate communication and how we can relate to one another more effectively during challenging moments in life. Her mission is to cultivate a culture of compassion starting with self. She specializes in healing relationships so you can live and lead with purpose connection and compassion. Hi Laura. Thank you so much for being here today.

 

Laura: Hi, I’m so glad to be here. Thank you for inviting me.

 

Sharon: I’m really excited and Laura and I really recently became friends and I have already learned so much from her. And I am excited for you guys to all learn from her as well. So can you talk a little bit about what exactly is compassionate communication.

 

Laura: Yeah. So compassionate communication I think is just really communicating with somebody with the idea that you’re going to relate kindly to them and to yourself. So as you kind of read in my bio we always talk about how compassion really has to start with the with the person who is expressing so like with yourself.

 

And so having compassionate communication really means that you’re relating kindly to yourself and what that allows you to do is to relate kindly to other people. And communication can be verbal. It can be non-verbal. So it’s just really about how we interact and engage in the world and and really it’s about understanding what compassion and communication is is also about understanding what it is not. And so you would like I can share what it isn’t as well.

 

Sharon: Yeah I would love that.

 

Laura: So there’s so and I would love maybe I’ll send you this image and you can share it with the folks who are listening but really you know I have this thing called the compassion called bell curve and understanding that compassion is not empathy and it is not sympathy.

 

So if you imagine a bell curve and again I can send you the image that you can actually see at the top at the top of the bell curve is compassion. And on either side of the of the compassion on the right for example is empathy OK. And empathy is feeling with someone and if we keep going down on empathy like going to the right. So as it goes towards you know at the bottom you’re then getting to more of a burnout. So if you feel with someone for long enough without the right tools then we can get the burnout. And if we feel burnout long enough we can get to disconnection. Now on the other side of compassion is sympathy and sympathy is feeling for someone. And you know a lot of times people think that sympathy and empathy are synonymous with compassion but really they’re different.

 

So feeling for someone if we feel for someone long enough and kind of grow a distance from them we start feeling what’s called pity right where we’re like Oh that’s so sad for that person. But we’re more and more disconnected from them as we go towards the edge of the bell curve. We’re really getting to disconnection on that side as well. So either side of the bell curve if we’re not careful can lead us to disconnection. And the only way to have compassion which is really what we need to lean into from either side, is to start with compassion for ourselves. So a lot of times and I give a presentation about compassion I ask the room I say how many of you consider yourselves compassionate and kind to others. And I would say like you know 70 or 80 percent of people in the room raised their hands and then I’d say how many of you are kind to yourself on a regular basis. And like how many do you think Sharon raise their hands.

 

Sharon: Maybe one person.

 

Laura: ike one to like maybe five. It’s like 20 percent max. It’s like the maximum number of people in the room who ever raise their hand. And I always talk about how that disconnection between feeling like you’re a compassionate person and that you’re kind to yourself is actually where that disconnection and burnout happens because if we’re always giving compassion but we’re not giving compassion for ourselves then we are on the road to burnout and disconnection. And so we have to start with compassion for ourselves. And that’s as little as communications with ourselves. When we look in the mirror what are we saying to ourselves. And a lot of it’s in our heads so we don’t even have awareness around it.

 

Sharon: Yeah. It’s so true and I I think that there is a lot of focus on kindness and being compassionate to other people. But we in general right now in society I see a lot about that teacher keeps kind and and just talk you know a lot of memes on kindness but there I rarely see anything about self kindness and being compassionate to yourself. And I can totally see how that you know if you’re not being kind to yourself really how do you have the energy to give and be kind to other people.

 

Laura: Exactly. And when when somebody is like gosh you know the world is against me. Like most likely that person is their harshest critic there there’s this story that’s in my book and it’s about how this woman goes on a blind date and she’s out to dinner and she should get there and the guy gets there and they’re having a conversation and then in the middle of dinner he just gets up and he walks out of the restaurant.

 

And she’s like oh my god what the hell’s wrong with me. And so she calls her best friend. And she’s like Oh my God he looked like he walked out of the restaurant and she’d been like I don’t want to go on this date anyway like I’ve been off the market for so long like I don’t even know how to date anymore. So she had already been like really hesitant to go on this blind date. So she called the friend who had set her up and she’s like he walked out. I don’t even know her friends like wow you know you’re carrying like 20 extra pounds I don’t really have much to say anymore because you haven’t been on a date for a long time like you know with pride because you’re kind of boring. So if you’re thinking like what a b.i.t.c.h, you’re right.

 

But guess what. The person who was saying that was not her friend it was actually herself inside her own head. She was going you are you’re fat you’re stupid. You’re ethically you have nothing to say you’ve nothing to share. She was all. All of that was her own inner dialogue beating herself up. And so if you’re listening to this you’re like Oh well that’s less surprising. Like if if your friend treated you like that they would not be your friend anymore.

 

Sharon: Absolutely.

 

Laura: But when we say that stuff to ourselves which we do all the time it’s it’s somehow more acceptable.

 

Sharon: Yeah it’s totally true. And I was listening to an interesting podcast today about emotion and using different words to describe your emotions. And one of the one of the things she was talking about was how she is sometimes when people ask her how she feels she says she feels proud. Right. And she said you know it’s it’s interesting because maybe some people would listened to that and think she’s boasting but she’s not proud that she’s better than someone else. She’s proud of the way she’s doing and giving herself the credit for everything that she is working on or working towards right. Absolutely. I think it in our society it’s almost unacceptable to do that.

 

Laura: Well it’s because we live in this compare and despair type of situation like especially with social media and everything else we’re always comparing ourselves to others. And we’ve been taught to do that. And so there’s this woman named Kristin Neff. She’s amazing. I don’t know if you know her work. She’s a professor at the University of Texas. And she writes a lot about self compassion. I just love her work. And one of the things that she says is that there’s a really big distinction between self-esteem and self-compassion because self-esteem means that you have to compare yourself to somebody else to make yourself feel better. So your self-esteem is related to being better than somebody else which is what sets us up as a society for failure.

 

What we really need to focus on is self-compassion which is relating kindly to ourselves because that’s not related to anybody else. It’s irrelevant what other people are doing. So if I’m proud of myself that is mean because I’m better than you it’s because I’m proud of myself it’s actually irrelevant to how you’re doing because I’m relating kindly to myself. Now if we go with the old you know the old paradigm of self-esteem where I’m like OK self-esteem is all related to me making sure that I’m doing better than normal what is quote unquote normal means that I’m having to look outside of myself to determine what normal is.

 

So we actually don’t need to foster self-esteem in our children we need to foster self-compassion. We need to foster confidence. We need to foster self-love because those are the things that are going to make our children more kind, more loving, more compassionate, better people and not so cutthroat when it comes to well I have to be better than so-and-so which means I’m going to put them down because that will make me better.

 

Right? And so that’s like what our what we’ve been struggling with so many decades is that we focus so much on our self-esteem having a strong self-esteem but again it’s all relative. It’s all being relative to other people. Right, does that make sense?

 

Sharon: Yeah makes total sense. I really honestly never thought of it that way.

 

Laura: Yeah. And so it’s crazy because we’re like. Quote Like teaching our kids to have really good self-esteem. But what that means is that they’re having to make sure they’re better than others which automatically sets others up for failure like we’re always be kind to your friends and share and do all this stuff but then really except make sure you’re better than Bobby because you know I want to make sure I’m better than Bobby’s mom or whatever. So we’re always doing this comparing is fair game.

 

But ultimately every person’s experience is unique and every person is unique. Our feelings are what are universal our feelings are universal and that’s what helps us come together because I felt shame you felt shame I felt sad you felt sad we felt sad or shame over different things but we’ve all felt similar. We’ve all had similar feelings. We just haven’t had the same experiences to go through them that brought us to those feelings something. So am I. Are you with me?

 

Sharon: Yeah I’m totally with you. So then I guess my next question would be how would you recommend. I do have some tips on how parents can foster self compassion versus self-esteem.

 

Laura: Yeah. So it’s really just not about ever comparing and I you know I had this conversation my husband the other day because he’s like my daughter is four and a half and my son is one and a half and my husband said to my daughter who’s older, he’s like Kai doesn’t cry when he falls down. And I was like breathe take a breath. My husband is an awesome dad but I was just like don’t compare him don’t compare them. And so we like when we were alone because I didn’t want to parent him in front of my children because that’s not fair to him. I said Hey Aaron I really think that next time just encourage Aiyla that if you don’t want her to fall down and get upset encourage or say like hey baby when you fall down I want you to check in with yourself before like if you cry and you’re because you’re sad or it hurts. No big deal.

 

But if you’re crying because you’re trying to get your way or you’re trying to be this or that or the other like check in with yourself is it because you’re scared or is it because you’re hurt because then you can tell me what you need right. And he’s like, okay. And I was like don’t compare to cry because then she’s going to immediately jump into resentment that we’re doing it like that we’re looking at them and asking her to be somebody she’s not. Yes. She is amazing. He is amazing they’re totally amazing for different reasons.

 

Yeah. My my son’s a bruiser like he falls in if he cries you know that he like how he’s going to have a bloody nose because like he doesn’t cry unless it’s like a huge deal. My daughter’s really sensitive and that’s fine. And like so but like just giving her the tools to know how to handle that without making it about whether Kai cries or doesn’t cry because my brother resented me most of my life because especially those early years because my parents always compared us and they didn’t.

 

It’s not that they were doing it to be malicious they just that was how that was their map of the world. That’s probably what their parents did to them. So not comparing your kids, like loving them and trusting that they are exactly who they need to be in and we’re going to guide them to be the best version of themselves.

 

There’s this really awesome book called Be Who You Are I love and we always read that. I let it be who you are be the best you that you can be. Not compared to Susie Q. or Billy Bob or any of the other people in your life you the best you can be and what that means to us as you being kind and loving and supportive and open and honest and we share what the values are that we hold dear and we encourage her to be those things but we never say like you need to be better than so-and-so at anything or you know it’s always just not about comparing but just like having them love themselves.

 

Sharon: Yeah it’s you know it’s really tough. I mean my kids range from toddler to teen. And the challenges are different obviously. But we we have generally I guess we haven’t necessarily called it this but we don’t generally subscribe to this kind of philosophy too and it’s easy in your mind to compare and you know honestly I even catch myself sometimes not meaning to compare. So you know we all do it sometimes you might say something about one of them in front of the other and you’re not comparing them but they or they might view it as a comparison. This used to happen a lot with one of my kids where I know if I would say to my second daughter, Hey you did a really nice job today on your homework. Then another one would say Oh what does that mean I didn’t do a nice job on my homework. No actually I wasn’t talking about you at all. In this scenario. Right.

 

We weren’t. That wasn’t even a thought in my head right. But sometimes they need a reminder of that. But just talking to somebody to one of your siblings it doesn’t mean anything about how I feel about you I happen to think you’re an amazing person and I didn’t look at your homework today. I’m sure you did a great job, right, and you need to feel good about the way you did your homework today. I am sure you also don’t need my my praise over it if you know you did a good job that should be enough.

 

Laura: Well and it’s like we fall into this approval trap right. It’s like and so it’s not and I don’t think it’s necessarily bad I actually think it’s really great that they say that to you because then you can say hey look I actually this wasn’t about you this was about your sister right.

 

Like if you want me to look at your homework I can tell you what I think about it like how do you feel about your homework. So I actually really love how you handle that because you didn’t make it wasn’t like Oh I’m sorry honey I’m sure your home looks great. You were like why haven’t I actually had a chance to look at your homework. And so if you’d like to show it to me and you want my You want my input I’m happy to share it. I was just letting your sister knew that I had seen her. She shared her homework with me. I thought it was good but them learning that everything’s not about them is actually really important because and you know, Sharon, I don’t know if you’ve had a chance to read my book yet but in my book I talk about like we take so many things personally that aren’t actually about us.

 

Like say somebody is rude to you at the store and you’re like God what an ass. Sorry pardon my French. Like you’re so offended by them but really like maybe something’s going on with them, probably something’s going on with them outside of you. It probably has next to nothing to do with you. And so it’s like actually sometimes good to be like you know this actually wasn’t about you and it doesn’t mean that I don’t love you I do I adore you. It’s just that that wasn’t this wasn’t about you. This was about your sister.

 

Sharon: Yeah. I find that to be true. For example on the road when you’re driving right. I know sometimes I’ll be driving or driving with someone else and they get so angry at you know hey that I just cut me off or whatever it is you know and I’ll say well you know you really don’t know. I mean he didn’t mean to cut you off maybe he’s rushing to an appointment or maybe you know it’s not a personal juggling act. And then I you know I’ll be in the car again. And let’s say the other driver will do that to someone else because of a legitimate reason and right. And I’ll see you see you just do that because you have a good reason for doing it but he is probably thinking what is you know like that Glee. And it’s hard to hear that sometimes but it’s true you know we do. I mean we all I think in some way shape or form seek approval. Oh yeah, from thepeople that we care most about right.

 

Laura: And for sure we call it approval addiction because we’re taught. And you know one of the fastest ways to kind of get nip that in the bud is we don’t. So instead of saying something like you make me so proud and this is all stuff that I learn through the grief recovery method but instead of saying you make me so proud we say things like I am so proud right. It’s just because then I’m owning my feelings and I’m not making about what you made me, right. Because when when you have the chance to make me something you have the chance to make me anything. Right. Right.

 

And so by letting go of that phraseology of like you make me so audible blah you’re actually helping to let go of helping like nip that approval addiction in the bud because I know I know as an adult, in my thirties and I still want the approval of my father and if my mom were alive I want the approval of my mother. The thing is is until I’m proud of myself it doesn’t matter what my parents say.

 

Sharon: Yeah it’s interesting. I mean I also I think that in general we want you know our kids want our approval. We even want their approval right now. I’ve worked with so many parents who you know they struggle in their parenting because they care so much about what their children are going to feel or think about decisions that they’re making. Right.

 

Laura: And that also probably means that that parent doesn’t love themself enough. Right. Because so like how so one like secret little trick that I use to combat that because I am a human. And I have approval desires as well but with my daughter I say I love you. And she doesn’t say I love you I don’t make that mean anything about me.

 

And instead in my head I say I love myself enough, I love myself enough because honestly me waiting for my daughter to love me is setting myself up for failure and I’m setting her up for failure because then if I’m determined or dependent upon her love for me for my self-worth then I can’t be a good mother because I’m trying to earn her as my friend. I’m not her friend. I’m her mother and I don’t need her to approve of me in order to be a good mom. I need to love myself enough and trust myself enough that I’m making the best decisions that I can. Whether she likes it or not because I trust that I have her best interests in mind and my years and years of experience are valid. And so I don’t need her to be like You’re such a good mom.

 

Granted, when she says that it makes my heart melt. But like I don’t need that in order for me to feel good about myself. I love and respect myself enough that no matter what she says to me it doesn’t matter. And again when she does say it, I feel good. So I’m not going to lie I’m like oh like when she’s like You’re the best mom in the world. I like things like that. I love hearing that. And when she doesn’t reply back or when she’s mad at me I don’t make that mean anything about who I am as a human. I’m like I’m a really good person. And she might not see the big picture yet but she doesn’t have to. That’s my job as her mom.

 

Sharon: You are totally speaking my language. And you know I have so many story about that the other day. I mean your daughter’s four and a half I. My youngest is three and a half and the other day I was putting her to bed and I said Hey I love you and she said I love you too. And I walked out the room which was what is I love you mean. So you know sometimes even when they do say it over and really I totally understand what they’re saying right. But it was very very funny. I was like it means a like you all had a lot a lot.

 

Laura: Exactly. Exactly. I always say like you know how it feels when you like it. I put my hands on my heart as a knowing your heart feels really really full. And you just you feel like you’re going to explode with joy. I think that’s what I mean when I say I love you. And she’s like OK got it you know.

 

Sharon: But it was just so funny because I just I never really considered that before that she might not fully understand what it meant.

 

Laura: Well that’s like kids are so amazing because they’re such little mirrors for us so if they’re if they are acting or being a certain way then it probably means that they’re reflecting something that we need to learn and grow. And that also means that we have to have some self-compassion.

 

So like if you’re listening to this for example if somebody like one of your listeners is here and they’re like oh my gosh I’ve been doing this wrong in quotation I’ve been doing it wrong oh my gosh I’ve been making her say blah blah blah I’ve been, have some compassion for yourself because ultimately which means have loving kindness for yourself give yourself a little hug because you don’t know how to do better until you know better. Now you know better and you can start doing better and you’re not going to be perfect because none of us are. So when you you can all and anytime you falter just love yourself again and until really like this isn’t to make you out to be bad or wrong. This is about giving you some new tools so that you can be your best so you can lead by example for your children, your spouse and everybody else in your life.

 

Sharon: Yeah I love that and I totally agree. I mean I definitely feel there’s so much power and importance to forgiving yourself for how we feel you should be doing differently and and recognizing it and moving on from that. And making the changes you need to make and move on. Right. You can wallow in what you should have done or could have done. It makes it so much harder and the road to making those changes is so much bumpier. In fact we all make mistakes right. I I am not the same mom to my three year old that I was to my 12 year old. With my 12 year old that I probably would teach now not to do. Right. I had to learn those things.

 

Laura: Yeah exactly. And those things that you learned along the way are also making you a better mom to her now.

 

Sharon: One hundred percent.

 

Laura: So it’s not like it’s over just because you know she’s 12. She still needs you. This is like besides infancy. I’ve been like. Besides infancy the teenage years are when they need you the most because they’re like really trying to figure it out. And it’s scary and it’s overwhelming and the world’s big and you know like all the emotions are so huge because it’s like hormones and feelings on top of it like all of the big. So yeah I think that’s huge.

 

Sharon: Yeah. So I guess besides practicing this yourself, right. Yeah. What would you say are good ways to teach our children compassion and and really, because I do think that this is something that they need to learn from us. Something that is just unfortunately I just don’t think it’s innate. Right.

 

Laura: It’s not innate. And it’s so it is a learnable skill which is you know innate being innate is great. Like some kids are more compelled towards empathy. Right. But then if they’re on the empathy side and this goes for adults or children whoever but like if your kid tends to lean towards empathy feeling with people you can tell they’re just really sensitive. Your job as their parent is to teach them about boundaries like them knowing how to have healthy boundaries around their emotions is really important. And if they’re more on the sympathy side of things like they don’t really seem to care like if you see them if they see somebody crying they’re just like Oh that’s sad for that person. Oh poor Bobby or whatever.

 

Then you’re going teach them how to feel which someone so that they can lean into compassion from the other side. Right. So as an adult we do get to teach them how to have compassion. And it starts by leading by example. Like everything else.

 

So, if they don’t see you as being compassionate towards yourself or kind to yourself then they’re not going to be kind to themselves or others you the way you interact the world the way that you treat others. The way that you treat yourself, they’re watching and that is the most important thing to remember as a parent is that it doesn’t matter what you say your actions always speak louder than your words.

 

Sharon: Absolutely.

 

Laura: So my mom used to look in the mirror and judge herself. My mom was like one hundred and twenty pounds and like five foot four she was a tiny lady and she would look at the mirror and I was I remember her like looking at her back fat and looking at her arm fat. And judging herself. And I remember being like Ha. For me that set me on a path of a lot of body shape for a long time. She didn’t tell me anything negative about my body. She was always super complimentary of me. But I learned from her example to hate my body.

 

She never told me to hate my body but she showed me what it looked like to do that for herself. So when I got pregnant and I found out I was having a little girl. So this was like five and a half light like almost five and half years ago I was determined to never ever body shame myself again because I never wanted my daughter to do that to herself because I spent so many years with body dysmorphia like I never had an eating disorder per say like dieting and like self-criticism and self-judgment and shame and and like all the things that I learned from my mother and my grandmothers and you know and I just was determined that I was never going to have her, I was never going to look in the mirror and hate myself because I never wanted her to do that because the thought of her doing that broke my heart and she wasn’t even born yet.

 

Sharon: Yeah. So it’s very interesting. There’s so much power in what we do that we don’t even recognize that they’re watching. Yeah. And I would I would sort of try to go through life really imagining that if you’re if they’re in the room with you there’s a video camera. Yeah.

 

You know I mean there is a point there was a commercial like that where it was like a road rage kind of commercial right. And they talked about how you know imagine you’re going through life with a video camera watching your every move. How would you be. Yeah.

 

And then, circle back to the child in the back seat right. And ask nicely what’s happening right now. Everything we do better than we even. Oh yeah.

 

Laura: They know us better than we know ourselves. Sure. And they are little reflections of us. So if your kids acting like a little ice age idea like you probably are right. Like right. Like they’re little mirrors for us. For me I always use it as a litmus test for how have I been behaving like I level literally Huff around and I’ll be like Oh shit. Because I know that I’ve been huffing around.

 

I don’t want to be huffing around and so I own that and I apologize. Hey Ayla I see you huffing around and I’ll show her what huffing around means because I don’t assume that she knows and I’ll be like her running around my mama. And I was like I bet you anything that mommy was doing not I. I’m sure I was doing that and I apologize. I’m gonna work on that. I’m going to be better. I don’t want you to do that to and you know like this was like such a wakeup call to me. But I have had a nail biting habit like all of my life. I have like I get my nails manicured like every two weeks because I want to not pick at them and my mom bit her nails and I took that on and I’ve been working on not biting my nails all my life. And when Alya who’s driving. I went to school probably six months ago and I was like I like Get your hands out of your mouth and she’s like but Mommy I want to be like you.

 

Sharon: Gosh.

 

Laura: Damn it. Right. Like be like me and all the other ways that I’m awesome. Don’t be like me in the way that it’s so hard. Like I’ve been fighting this habit all my life. Like don’t you like me in that way yeah right. But she’s watching me and I’m picking out my fingernail. Then my hands are in my mouth like I’m not doing it often. But she sees me all the time.

 

So it was like such a wakeup call that she’s watching me. And even though like most of the things that I do are good and I had compassion for myself because I recognize that this is something that I’ve been working on for so much of my life like I’ve done a lot of things to try to quit biting my nails and I still am but I just was like OK. Like if that is something that she’s going to pick up for me I guess like I just have to trust that it’s part of her journey too.

 

You’re going to go you know some kids get their fingers and my kids bite their nails and I was like Oh man. And so I mean I give her manicures and I’m like okay I’m now like I file her nails for her. Anyway I digress but the point is is that they’re watching, they’re always watching. They watch the good things and they watch the bad things.

 

Sharon: Yeah. And I guess I mean your kids are still young but how would you say you would show them how to communicate with each other in that way. Right. I think that that’s something that. Oh yeah. With verbal sibling who’s struggled with a lot. Right.

 

Laura: We do a lot of role playing in our house.

 

Sharon: Yes us too. I love role playing. I need to use tools.

 

Laura: It’s amazing. So an island loves it because they’re in the make believe right. She’s in the make believe years kids even bigger kids like it but like what we’ll do is I’ll take Iowa out of whatever situation she’s the bigger kid. I can’t really communicate with Tyra on this yet because he’s only one and a half. So I still I’ll try. But it’s not really a valiant effort. He’s like 16. But with Iowa I’ll take her upstairs and I’m like OK which of these two scenarios do you like better I’m going to be you and you’re gonna be Kai. OK. So I was like Okay so pretend that you’re pulling my hair and so she’ll pretend play my hair and I’ll scream at the top of my lungs. I won’t really I’ll be like I’ll pretend scream and then I was like OK. Scenario number two. And then I’ll be like. So pull my hair again and social pull my hair like Kai. I really don’t like it when you do that and I get up and I walk away. I was like OK.

 

So which one of those did you like better. She goes the second one. Like OK cool so let’s try again. Now I’m going to be now I’m Chi and your idea. So I pull her hair and she says hi. Please stop doing that. And then she gets up and she walks away.

 

And and I also like I am teaching her empathy and sympathy and compassion because to so she was weak I was a little baby she was trying to lay down on him like and it was really cute she was trying to hug him but it was dangerous right. And I said OK I’ll lay on the ground and she goes Why. Because I’m gonna lay on you. She goes No I don’t want you to lay on me. That will hurt us exactly. As a your as big to Kai at this point as I am to you. So if you don’t want me to lay on you then do you think that you should land Kai because like no I was like OK great.

 

And she’s never laid on him again and granted like I’ve been doing this with her for years so you might like for somebody who’s never done that with their kid. It may take you know a couple of weeks or even a month of practice but just remember you’re strengthening a muscle.

 

Sharon: Yeah we have this. I mean I have an example to that last week my daughter was she was just having an angry week and it wasn’t even the anger was really how she was communicating the anger that was you know exactly and she would you know she was hitting and she was she was scratching and I explained to her you know listen you know this is you are totally allowed to feel angry but that is not the way you should show anger. Right. You were like if your sister hit you because she was angry and it doesn’t even matter if she’s angry with you or with someone else. Right.

 

You know and I showed her a different things she could do to me and I you know it was really nice to see in such a short time her transformation now does happen that since that time she never you know hit. No but we certainly brought it down from you know maybe ten times to one time. Right. Working on it.

 

Laura: Exactly. And it has to be. And we have to trust and respect in ourselves that it’s a work in progress. Like how many times did you tell your kids and say please before they actually said it on their own terms.

 

Yeah like a thousand to ten thousand times probably. So like what. Like how. What’s to say that we won’t have to keep practicing when it comes to you know these other things like being a good parent to me comes down to consistency. It’s like you being a good parent means that no matter what no matter how tired you are no matter how much it sucks you’re gonna keep trying because it’s worth it. Well it’s hard sometimes it’s exhausting to keep a boundary. Sometimes it’s exhausting to keep having to say what do you say when you say what do you say. Like it’s hard but like that consistency is what helps them grow that muscle right.

 

And so and even Sharon I would even like give you a slight. The only thing about the if your sister did this to you. I love using it as a question because it helps them come up with the answer and when it’s when they come up the answer they own it more so instead of being like you wouldn’t like it if your sister hit you you say would you like it if your sister hit you and make it a question because then when they say no they internalize it.

 

Sharon: Absolutely.

 

Laura: I think that just giving them ownership over the answer also helps them learn that compassion.

 

Sharon: Well I feel like I’m learning a ton talking to you and I always do. I think you are inspirational and so wise and I really I think that there’s a lot that the audience can learn from you and continue to learn from you. And I would love to know how they can continue to do that.

 

Laura: Yeah. Thanks I’m so glad that I got to be here. I always love being in conversation with you. And I love being in conversation about compassion and parenting and relationships in general like you know our relationships with our kids are probably our biggest lesser than teachers in our lives and our spouse for that matter because they’re the ones who are by our side day in day out.

 

They reflect us so well which is what gives us a gauge on how are we doing. Are you happy? Are you not happy? Like you know again only take as much credit as you take blame right or only take as much blame as you take credit. It’s not 100 percent you and own what’s yours. So anyway. And if people want to hear more from me I could talk about this all day. They can. There’s a lot of ways. But as parents and moms if there are moms out there are dads for that matter. They can definitely read my book which is The Compassion Code how to say the right thing when the wrong thing happens. That is on Amazon so they’re welcome to check that out. The compassion code, it’s an audible, it’s in all the different ways Kindle and paperback.

 

And then if they want more like just kind of get to know me that kind of thing they can always just check out my website, LauraJack.com. I have a masterclass for moms who want to improve their marriages. There’s so many ways to get a hold of me in that way too.

 

Sharon: I have personally watched Laura’s master class and it is amazing. So I highly recommend.

 

Laura: Thank you Sharon, and that’s awesome. It says the five simple shifts are supermom clients use to create an extraordinary marriage in as little as eight weeks even if their relationship has dwindled into roommate status and just for those of you who are out there listening to this. Our relationship with our spouse, assuming there is a spouse, it’s fundamental for our demonstration of a lot of these skills that we’re talking about.

 

So if we can have compassion for our spouse which to me is one of the hardest places to have compassion then we can have compassion for anyone. And it’s going to help our relationships with our kids. It’s going to help teach and lead by example. So there’s so much good stuff there. So yes they, tou have a chance to check it out I definitely encourage you to. You’re gonna get some good nuggets of wisdom and I was always so grateful to be able to share any inspiration, things that I’ve learned along the way and all the research I’ve done so yes. Sharon thank you for having me. I love being here and I love the Raiseology community I think it’s the coolest concept.


Sharon: Oh thank you so much. And I’m excited to hear feedback from this episode. And if you have any questions for me or for Laura just send us an email and I will put all the links to the stuff we talked about in the show. So thanks again. Have a wonderful day.

 

Thanks for listening to the Raiseology podcast. Head over to www.Raiseology.com where you’ll find plenty if you’ve got this resources for parents and any links or tools mentioned in today’s show. Be sure to hit subscribe on your pod catcher so they you can listen to the next episode the minute it’s out. Until next time, have an empowered week.

Meet Your Mentor

Sharon is a general pediatrician, loving wife and mother to 4 daughters.

 After a decade of practicing general pediatrics and working with families, she realized there often wasn’t enough time while tending to children’s medical needs to help parents in the way that would be most helpful in shaping their children’s futures.

 The Raiseology Program was developed to teach parents how to raise their children with the love and authority necessary to promote resilience and responsibility.

Sharon’s experience with hundreds of families as well as her own help her meet you where you are on your parenting journey to help you make it what you want it to be.

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